I have seen many Christian singles ponder this topic. It is somewhat an unspoken subject. We all know what it is, but we do not talk about it. If you are Nigerian, I am sure your parents painted dating as an unholy, bad, and forbidden thing, something you should not even think about, especially if you are female. Once you finish university, they somehow expect a man to appear miraculously from the sky so that you can get married. It is, therefore, no surprise that many people in this part of the world shy away from talking about dating.
So what really is dating? Dating is when two people intentionally spend time together to get to know one another because they are attracted to each other and want to see if they are compatible and if there is a future for them as a couple. The ultimate goal of dating is marriage. Sometimes people use the term courting. Both terms mean the same thing, although courting is more commonly used when the couple has officially decided to move toward marriage, usually after the man has proposed to the woman.
The concept of marriage as seen in the Bible begins in Genesis, when God created man and then determined that it was not good for him to be alone. God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep and created a woman from his rib (Genesis 2:21 to 24). Scripture goes on to say that this is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Dating is a modern practice and did not exist in Bible times. In biblical days and for many generations afterwards, when parents believed their children were ready for marriage, they sought a spouse for them. Usually, this was done within their community. Parents examined the beliefs, character, and responsibility of the potential spouse to ensure alignment with their family values. The man expressed interest, the woman’s family agreed, and her hand was given in marriage. The marriage was consummated, and the couple lived together and raised children. A clear biblical example is the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah. We also see another pattern where a man was personally attracted to a woman and pursued her by approaching her family rather than the woman directly. A clear example of this is Jacob and Rachel.
The Bible does not mention dating because it was not practised at the time. However, society has evolved, and practices have changed. In today’s world, dating plays an important role. The major difference between dating today and marriage arrangements in biblical times is responsibility. In biblical times, parents handled the evaluation of beliefs, character, and suitability. Today, couples carry out these responsibilities themselves before involving their parents.
From this, we can draw an important principle. Before marriage, it is essential to
know who your spouse truly is
know your spouse’s character and attitude
know your spouse’s beliefs
know your spouse’s goals and aspirations
The Bible gives clear guidance on relationships between a man and a woman. Since the goal of dating is marriage, marriage should be the framework that guides dating.
Scripture clearly shows that marriage is between a man and a woman. It says a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, not a husband. In other parts of the Bible, homosexuality is described as sin in God’s eyes. Therefore, dating should be between a man and a woman.
The Bible also teaches that a man is expected to work and provide for his family. A woman is expected to be hardworking and wise, multiplying resources through her skills and diligence. She is a suitable helper, supporting the man in caring for the home, children, and shared responsibilities. Marriage is therefore not for the lazy or irresponsible, but for two hardworking and mature adults. Dating should be between people who are already taking responsibility for their own lives. This does not mean being wealthy, but it does mean being able to provide for yourself. If a man has no job or business, do not marry him. If a woman has no job or business, do not marry her. No one should be a liability. It is not about income level, but about responsibility. If you cannot care for yourself, you will not be able to care for a spouse or children.
Scripture also makes it clear that marriage is the only context in which sexual relations are permitted. Any sexual activity outside marriage is regarded as sin. Therefore, during dating, there should be no sexual immorality of any kind.
In summary, dating should be between a man and a woman who are responsible, hardworking, and godly adults, free from sexual involvement. The purpose is to get to know one another and move toward marriage. I do not believe dating should last for many years, as prolonged dating often indicates unpreparedness and creates unnecessary emotional pressure that can lead to immorality. That is my personal counsel.
So what should the process of finding a spouse and getting married look like? A simple guide is that men and women should form healthy friendships where they fellowship together, grow spiritually, and sharpen one another in the Lord. This is not dating but friendship. Christians should build godly friendships with both the same and opposite sex. These friendships not only create a healthy environment for meeting a potential spouse but also strengthen faith and spiritual maturity.
Through friendship, attraction may develop toward a particular person. At that point, the man should clearly communicate his intentions to the woman, expressing his interest so that they can mutually agree to begin dating with purpose. Some may ask why a woman should not make the first move. Biblically, the man is called to pursue. Scripture teaches that the man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife. The responsibility of initiation rests with the man, while the woman has the right to accept or decline. A woman is expected to be modest and focused on her responsibilities, not seeking male attention. A man should find her in her place of diligence. Rebekah was found while performing her daily task of drawing water, and Rachel was found tending her father’s sheep.
Once dating begins, both individuals should spend time communicating openly about their past, upbringing, values, likes, dislikes, beliefs, opinions, goals, and faith. They should pray individually and together, seeking God’s will concerning the relationship. When both are confident about moving forward, the man should propose, approach the woman’s parents, declare his intentions, and begin preparations for marriage.
In conclusion, there is nothing wrong with dating when it is done rightly. Dating should be intentional, purposeful, and directed toward marriage, without sexual immorality, and grounded in honest communication and spiritual growth.
I wish you a healthy relationship and a happy marriage. Amen.
